Papa,

my dear friend I need you to listen, now more than ever.
You know i have been crushed, you know ive been divided.
And so many times i wonder what you thought as i was a child,
and there were things i did not understand but carved long across
my chest “your a mistake and you never belonged here, you never will”
Papa, that destroyed me. Its been my shadow ever since.
It drove me to the ground, with long lingering drinks of liquor,
ready to lay me asleep and the hopes of not waking.
I know better now, I know you know everything.
The thought of you alone can make me smile like no other,
But… even till this day I feel the same way.
I will never fit in, my heart always concealed,
always misunderstood, always worthless,
always alone. alone. alone.

You have spoken your gentle words over me,
you have made me feel loved,
you are enough always.
You say ” you mean everything to me”
I’d like to believe that, not that i doubt your words.
You never lied to me before.
But your not the problem .
I am.

You are my joy.
But it still hurts, my deep is deeper than i thought.
I love you for loving me. I love you.
But unless you manifest in the fullness of your glory,
i would walk only with your spirit.
and i know that that’s no enough.
Because even the first of us needed the company.

And i guess,
if only I could experience a season of truth,
aside form the deception I’ve always known.
The people, the lies, the inwardness, the conceit,
The lack of understanding, the carelessness,
the cold, the double minded, the insensitive,
the hypocrites, the religious.
If I could experience a moment in life without that crap,
without tip toeing around people because they are uncomfortable with a little truth.

“Well like Hey man, i really want to be friends with you,
and i want to commit my self to be at your side always,
just dont lie to me, i need the love too, and i will always be your friend,
i will always tell you what you need to hear , if you don’t like it , fine,
but i will also be the one that will hug you anyway, if you let me,
if you don’t make this all weird because all of a sudden your scared
and uncomfortable, and as long as you ACTUALLY want to hang out with ME,
because , oh i don’t know, you actually value me enough that you’d make time to see me,and I’m not talking about an hour or two, fuck that. I mean the whole damn day !
Only if you think I’m worth it, because to be you would be. you are. whoever you are.”

But to be honest father, no one … not yet.
Not even a friend i could hold onto.
yeah, i have been here for most of my life,
always wanting. Ive lost hope, but you came back
to me and im grateful to you in  everything.

But please just show me some one that
is sick of the crap, the deception, the poor excuses,
the one that is sick of making daily routines priority over people.
What is that about anyway?

I know you understand , papa.
Because i have seen your tears and you , mine.
Because I have been in your heart and you in mine.
But i need to get this of my chest. at least for now, in this way.
though I’ve cried in prayer about it so many times before.
Only to understand how you felt on that dead tree,
every time. I don’t come close.
But i think I’m over going along with peoples charades,
let there be no more deception on my own lips.
Let me be clean and loving always , as you are.
As I am with you.

thank you papa.